


The Best Kind of Backup

by strawberriesandtophats



Series: Wuffles The Terrier's Matchmaking Service [2]
Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Assumed Relationship, Gen, Humor, M/M, Matchmaking, Wuffles's POV, police work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 12:18:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9071266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberriesandtophats/pseuds/strawberriesandtophats
Summary: Wuffles the Terrier assists the Watch in solving a case while honing his matchmaking skills.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a scene in the tv show Brooklyn Nine Nine where Captain Holt enlists Cheddar the Dog to help with a case, telling the dog that it is time to make him proud.

The wind howled outside the Patrician’s Palace as the storm raged on and Wuffles the Terrier made a polite sound at the sound of cheap leather boots approaching the anteroom. The stench of cigars and strong coffee accompanied the watchman who came into the room and looked at the little dog who greeted him with a friendly woof. Clerks and domestic staff alike smelled pleased that they didn’t have to be outside in this weather as they hurried down the hallway away from the anteroom, where a scruffy looking watchman was currently standing alone in his dripping uniform with a cup of steaming coffee and eating a biscuit, both of which had been offered to him by the clerk who smelled like paper and clipboards.

Wuffles the Terrier sat on the floor beside the watchman, sniffing the air with a hopeful expression and looked at the remains of the biscuit that had not been dunked into the coffee. It had been coconut biscuit, and the cooks never made that kind unless it was so cold outside that the very stone the Palace was made of became almost icy. Wuffles continued sniffing the air.  
“Come in, Commander” his God said, and the man tipped the coffee cup as he drank the coffee so that he could finish it all at once even if it burned his mouth. Wuffles followed and grabbed the piece of small piece of biscuit that fell to the ground as the watchman surreptitiously dropped it just before he entered the Oblong Office.

Wuffles chewed this unexpected edible gift and made his way towards his basket underneath the desk, curling into a ball and adjusting the worn pillow as he lay down.

The little dog closed his eyes, only-half listening to the conversation between his God and the man who was dabbing at his face with a borrowed handkerchief. The days where their visitor would act in a genuinely hostile manner towards his God had long passed, and he appeared to be upset about a criminal disturbing the citizens of Ankh-Morpork which was a fairly common occurrence. Wuffles sighed and rolled over to his side, sinking deeper into his dreams but continued listening.

“I am afraid that such circumstances demand that I must rely on my most trusted and experienced ally,” his God said, standing up from behind this desk, his the toe of his boot pushing the basket an inch to the right so that Wuffles made a small sleepy sound as the basket moved.

Wuffles opened his eyes as he felt his body being lifted off the ground and opened his eyes only to see that the watchman in front of the desk was smiling.

“Yes, sir,” the watchman said, clear approval in his tone as he nodded at the man who was holding Wuffles.

“It is time to make me proud, dear,” his God said, securing his grip on Wuffles’ frame and handed him over to the other man. Wuffles blinked as he tried to walk in the air, seeing his reflection in the badly polished breastplate. Wuffles closed his eyes again, surrendering to his fate as the other man attempted to get a good grip. Wuffles remained as still as possible. It was important to make a good impression.

“Yes, sir,” Vimes said, straightening up even more and his fingers twitching as he had felt the need to salute but decided not to do so. Wuffles opened one eye when he felt the fingers move against his fur. Vimes was holding him securely and smelled like strong coffee and bacon so up close.

“I was speaking to Wuffles, Commander,” his God said, lifting an eyebrow.” After all, he’s going to be assisting you in solving this harrowing case. But I would not object to you making me proud as well.”

“Sir,” Vimes said, and now smelled rather affronted. Wuffles licked a drop of rain off his badge in order to clean it. 

“Here are his things,” his God said, handing over a carpet bag which jingled and rustled along with a leash which Vimes clipped onto Wuffles’s collar. Wuffles could smell treats. “You can put him down. I’m sure that he’d enjoy a walk to the Psedudopolis Yard with you.” 

“Yes, sir,” Vimes said, and placed Wuffles carefully on the ground. Wuffles tried his best to look dignified and started cleaning his face by licking his paw and rubbing it on his snout. If he was going to be meeting other dogs today earlier than he’d expected and beginning a new job, if a temporary one, he would have to look presentable.

It was a good sign that his God trusted his beloved to take care of Wuffles, even if it was only for a limited amount of time. Wuffles looked at Vimes as they stepped outside. The cobblestones were cold and wet, but his God had put tiny yellow boots on his feet before Wuffles had left the Oblong Office, so he was good as gold. Vimes appeared to feel refreshed as soon as he was outside and breathed more deeply. 

“We are going to find this criminal and arrest him, Wuffles,” Vimes muttered as a group of merchants moved aside when Vimes strode towards them, his eyes sweeping the street looking for miscreants out of sheer habit. “And then the city will kill him dead.”

Wuffles wagged his tail. 

It didn’t take them long to reach Pseudopolis Yard, but it was a good walk for an elderly dog and Wuffles accepted the treat Vimes found in the bag Vetinari had given him. Vimes unclipped his leash and Wuffles began sniffing the floor, looking for information. The canteen was serving hot salted oatmeal and several officers were off sick and on paternal leave at the moment, so that they were understaffed. The criminal was one that they had been literally and figuratively chasing for almost a month now and had a paper trail and list of cons longer than the drop in the scorpion pit. It was no wonder they needed additional backup who could interpret a very specific kind of information as dogs often saw things that humans missed due to their underdeveloped noses and complex relationships.

Wuffles looked around the watch house with an air of interest, watching various watchmen regarding him with suspicion and some fear. It was a good life, having a respected God.

“His lordship’s dog will be helping us find the murderer,” Vimes said, when he saw that every single watchman in the room was looking at the dog. “He’ll be able to talk to the nobs’ dogs to gather information about his whereabouts and can recognize his scent.”

“It’s always good to have more backup,” Angua said, smiling at Wuffles. “Good afternoon, Wuffles.”

“Good afternoon, Lady Werewolf,” Wuffles said politely, “I trust that you are well?”

“Can’t complain,” Angua said, “I’ll feel better once we’ve caught this bastard.”

“I understand,” Wuffles said, “and I am glad to be able to help. It is pleasant to be able to spend time with my God’s beloved and assist him. He has a very positive influence on my God’s life, don’t you agree?”

“Things are certainly not the same when he spends too long away from the city,” Angua said. She glanced at Captain Carrot, who was watching them with slight puzzlement. “I’ll try to find a spare badge for you to clip onto your collar, Wuffles, as you are a watchman for the day.”

“Thank you so much, Lady Werewolf,” Wuffles said, wagging his tail as he watched her disappear into another room. When Wuffles found Vimes in his office, Vimes was staring moodily at a piece of paper and eating a bacon sandwich that appeared to be 90% bacon and 10% bread, tomato and brown sauce. There was no hint of lettuce. Wuffles approved.

“If I give you some bacon, will you give back a good report?” Vimes muttered after Wuffles had shook his hand with his paw and raised his paws in mock surrender. It was important to establish that Wuffles had many skills which could be useful when acting as an officer of the law, he could both show human politeness and surrender to a human attack. 

“I will certainly give my God a thorough report of your kind manner to animals and excellent hunting skills after our mission is complete,” Wuffles answered and wagged his tail. “Please give me some of this delicious bacon and I will continue to use my considerable matchmaking skills to make you both very happy.”

The watchman reached out his hand slowly and petted Wuffles on the head, his movements very careful as if he was afraid of harming the dog.

Wuffles whined in contentment and got a small piece of bacon as a reward. This man really needed to be a part of his God’s life if these were the perks.

Wuffles felt the weight of the badge on his collar and decided that it was a pleasant sensation. He had a job to do now.  
In the end, catching the criminal didn’t take much time with half of the city’s watchmen chasing him down or strategically placed in various locations alongside the information gathered by both Wuffles and Angua among the city’s dogs. Wuffles watched the criminal get handcuffed while sitting beside Angua, who had shifted back to her human form. 

When he arrived back in the Palace alongside the Commander, Wuffles was careful to give a very long and accurate report of what had happened and was praised about his God’s beloved gentleman friend for his generous manner. It was a very good day in Wuffles’ humble opinion as he continued explaining to everyone in the Oblong Office, behavior which appeared to please his God and confuse the other man who just stared at Wuffles as Wuffles ran around the office whining and growling while talking about the exiting chase just before they caught the criminal.


	2. Chapter 2

Vimes trudged up the stairs in the Patrician’s Palace with Wuffles securely underneath his arm and a scowl on his face. Wuffles craned his neck and tried to lick his chin, tail wagging madly as Vimes sped up, clearly fueled by bad coffee and anger.

“Why are you doing this?” Vimes asked the dog, who was now looking at his surroundings will all the evidence of pleasure and sniffing the air. “Is this some sort of an undercover operation where you show up at a random Watch house or at the Pseudopolis Yard every week to gather information for your owner? Are you a tiny spy, Wuffles?”

“I am building professional and family connections, Commander Vimes. By showing my worth as an employee at your establishment to my coworkers, such as talking to a variety of hounds and barking at criminal behavior,” Wuffles answered, “talking to Lady Werewolf about current news is always a pleasure and your officers bribe me with bacon when I come to the Watch House.”

“I come to work and there you are, sitting in front of my desk or talking to Angua and showing her your new collar-“

“I organized your paperwork for your convenience,” Wuffles said, wagging his tail, “and I try my best to be punctual. And someday you might put a dog bed in your office like my God and I must do my best to make my future home presentable.”

“So I have to scoop you up and bring you back here,” Vimes said, “why don’t you stay at home?” 

“Is there a problem, Commander Vimes?” Drumknott asked, holding a tray with a coffee mug on it, “his Lordship is in his office.”

“Thank you, Drumknott,” Vimes said and opened the door to the Oblong Office so that Drumknott could enter without difficulty.

“Ah, Vimes,” Lord Vetinari said, “I trust that you are well?”

“Yes, sir,” Vimes replied, “I came to ask you why your dog keeps showing up at various Watch Houses every week.”

Drumknott placed the tray on the desk and left the office quietly.

“It appears that he cherishes you and wishes to spend time with you, Commander,” Lord Vetinari said, “as he still believes that you are my beloved spouse. However, perhaps he simply wishes to change careers from being a professional pet and now wants to solve crimes…”

There was a short silence. Lord Vetinari sipped his coffee.

Vimes looked at Wuffles who wagged his tail and gazed at him in an appreciative manner. Then Vimes closed his eyes, as if praying for someone in the room to see some sense.

Wuffles decided that the best course of action would be to look as enthusiastic as possible about this new development.

“Sir-“ Vimes began.

“You must admit that he did a good job when he was assigned to you, Sir Samuel. And he could train other dogs to do the same and to treat Captain Angua with the respect that she deserves as an officer.”

Vimes stared at him for some time. Lord Vetinari stared back. This appeared to encompass most of their communication.

“You are serious, sir?” Vimes asked, as if he’d come to the conclusion that a long argument about this would ultimately be futile. “Using dogs to solve crimes?”

“I recall having a discussion with several of your officers about a canine unit several years ago as these dogs could be very useful in tracking criminals and finding illegal substances, which has proven to be true,” Lord Vetinari said, standing up and petting Wuffles, “I am sure that you can even come up with a catchy name for the unit.”

Vimes opened his mouth, looking as if he was going to start arguing again.

“Is that not so, Wuffles?” Vetinari asked the dog, who barked excitedly in response.

“Excellent,” Lord Vetinari said, steepling his fingers. “Now, as you are here, Commander, I believe we should talk about the state of crime in our fine city-“

Wuffles sat down in his bed underneath the massive desk and then lay down, rolling over so that his legs were up in the air. If things continued to progress in this manner he would be sworn in as a temporary police officer, would get his badge back and many young dogs to train. It would please his God and improve the relationship between him and the man who smelled like shaving cream and bad coffee. All he had to do was to do a good job and he already had some practice. Things would turn out just fine.


End file.
